Dedicated to
Deshion Modeste (aka Marcus, Deshawn, D, Pooh). This is as honest and real as its going to get.
Preface
I been drinking. Events are as I saw them. Not necessarily as they were.
Chapters
Halloween
Mental Health
The Holidays
The Beginning
The Middle
The End
Halloween
I met Deshawn for the first time the day before Halloween. At this point, I had been in Tulsa since the end of July, 2021. So approximately 3 months. It was a pretty tough adjustment period for me. It usually is. I've mostly lived in NY, close to friends and family and the feeling of displacement was familiar but undesired. It was the same when I went to college and when I lived in Guatemala. But it never got easier.
I hadn't made many friends and didn't really go out with anyone. But I tried to put myself out there by signing up for tours, going to the movies and eating out alone. I stumbled upon what I thought was an in person speed dating event. My expectations were non-existent. Turned out it was entirely online and that didn't really vibe with me. However, I stayed on the app that facilitated the event and spoke to a few men. It was a refreshing change to online date with virtual face to face communication instead of incessant messages back and forth. But alas, no one really held my interest. I was on for a week before I decided I would delete the app. That is, until I met Deshawn.
We happened to match and I was ecstatic. He was good looking, seemed to be in Tulsa and had interests that weren't cringe. But being the impatient person I was, the way it took him more than like 2 days to set up a video date was a little frustrating. He was "busy" with work and sports and I just wanted to connect, so I pretended to be just as busy. When we finally got a chance to talk, we spent close to 2 hours on the phone. It felt divinely inspired. Almost too good to be true. He seemed down to earth, wasn't full of ego, allowed me to talk and was easy to talk to. It was as if we'd known each other before.
Truth be told, I got spooked. I liked him a lot. Like ALOT. And I knew I wasn't at my best mentally. It didn't seem fair to participate in any sort of relationship at the time. What I expected to find was maybe just someone to hook up with, someone to ease the loneliness. But Deshawn seemed to be more than that. So I ghosted. But he somehow persisted and I agreed to go out on a date with him.
We met for the first time the night before Halloween, October 30th. He took charge and told me where to meet him- I liked that. I walked into the restaurant a little late (pretty typical of me) and saw him sitting in a booth looking better than his profile pics. I felt like we bonded immediately. He was pretty handsy, but I allowed it. He was confident and gentlemanly. Again, it felt almost too good to be true. We ended up going to a second spot after dinner- something I would NEVER do on a first date. While there, the chemistry was palpable. I was 'excited'. But I kept my cool.
We had a nice conversation in his car after the date. I expressed some doubts, but it was really insecurities and fear. How could I, Charlise, meet this great guy in the midst of my mind slowly deteriorating? It felt unreal and quite frankly, unfair. We ended the night with a kiss.
Mental Health
I was checked into a psych hospital the next night. Not really accidentally, but certainly not intentionally. I'd been to many therapists and have been on multiple medications, but for some reason I forgot that the word suicide would trigger an unfortunate turn of events that I couldn't remove myself from. This was common knowledge, but I was pretty high from smoking, overdosing my adderall and klonopin, and drinking so I'm not sure it would have made a difference.
I met this great guy the night before and was soaring on a high. But I was still fighting my demons and Sunday, October 31st came with blunt force trauma. Looking back, I think the high from my date combined with the reality of my situation hit me hard. I started drinking early and popped my pills every hour on the hour. My brain was fuzzy and my heart beat was fast. I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I dropped my dog off at the dog hotel and contemplated taking my life. An overdose seemed like the obvious choice.
But I ended up going to the hospital to seek help. Or to seek more medication. But I shared too much and ended up being admitted that night. What I thought would be a funny one night stay in a psych ward became 4 days in a prison of my own doing. Day 1 was disorienting. I thought I could convince them to let me leave. I was smart. I had a well paying job. I had my shit together. No way should I have to stay here. But there was no convincing anyone.
All I could think about was how I was going to cover this up with my job and how I ruined a good thing with Deshawn. I wasn't able to access my phone, but I was allowed intermittent phone calls which I made only to my brother. I was embarrassed. How did I get myself in this situation? I ruined my life because of one silly word. I was devastated.
But when I realized I wouldn't be let out, I played along for 72 hours until I could invoke my right to be released against Doctors orders. That meant that they could keep me for no more than 4 days and when released, I was on my own- no treatment plan and no doctors' note because I didn't stay for the full 6 day treatment plan. But it didn't matter to me. I had my life to get back to.
The life that I got back to wasn't great. I made up bad lies to keep my job from knowing I was in a psych ward and I was convinced I blew it with Deshawn. So my brother helped me to forge documents that said that I needed to be out of work for at least a month and I resumed contact with Deshawn under the guise that I was only interested in sex. I didn't think I deserved more than that.
The Holidays
Thanksgiving rolled around and I was receiving outpatient treatment and started new meds. I felt a little better. I stopped drinking alcohol and wasn't taking as many pills as before. I resumed work and told them as little as possible about what happened. I also began talking to Deshawn on a regular basis. Though I didn't feel comfortable filling him in on everything, I felt comfortable with him.
We interacted regularly and had sex intermittedly. Our relationship seemed to flow so easily for me. Which made it hard for me to even consider that he didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him. Every day that i didn't hear from him felt like forever. Every minor miscommunication or disagreement felt life shattering. Looking back, I can see how I grew attached really quickly. It could be chalked up to the place I was at that point in my life, but I also knew that the feelings I felt weren't common for me.
The holidays rolled around and we were still interacting. Not as much as I wanted, but I would take the little I got. I spent Thanksgiving in Texas with Raquel and we had a great time. All the while, I thought about Deshawn and what he was doing and who he was seeing. So I would reach out nonchalantly and say- Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Years in the hopes or jump starting a conversation. And it mostly worked.
When we got to talking again, we just fell right in step with each other. Why wasn't he feeling the sparks that I was feeling? Why wasn't he head over heels the way I was?
It came to a point where I was willing to give up my treatment to be with him. My therapist encouraged me to be single and focus on myself, but I thought this was a rare love and I didn't want to lose it. So I continued to do both- 'date' Deshawn and continue group and individual therapy. I was happy.
The Beginning
After the glow of the holidays passed and winter began to set it, I realized that Deshawn made my stay in Tulsa bearable. He mentioned moving in together. I thought it was too fast, but I didn't want to lose him. But that's when the fighting started.
We were so good together. We made each other laugh, we enjoyed each others bodies. I honestly believe we were meant to be- he was my twin flame. We would beat the odds. I was always so excited to hear from him. To speak to him. To see him. To sleep next to him, regardless of the time. It was such a great feeling. Like a high.
It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows though. Some things did gave me pause. Deshawn didn't like Penny. He was completely against spoiling me. There was some gas lighting with regards to what we were- I said we had dated, he said that's not what we were doing. He wasn't into the same things I was. He's a little (a lot) passive aggressive. He's from Florida (jokes!). The airplane headrest that he refused to buy me. His stubbornness. I hated that he wouldn't name me as his forever when he spoke about his future and the person he saw himself with. It seemed he didn't want to do anything for me that he felt wouldn't be reciprocal (besides head, lol). He seemed unreasonably angry when I generalized the behaviors of men. I don't think he fully recognized his faults.
The Middle
Regardless, we carried on because we both wanted to make this work. I still don't know what his motivations were for wanting to stay with me. But for me, it was about working through our problems together because we loved each other. I worked REALLY hard to be someone he would love and cherish. More than I ever have in my past. And I just wanted to have a successful relationship where we weathered the storms together and came out the other end better people.
A big wrench for the relationship came early when I decided to go on short term disability from my job. I'd never not had a job and this became very disorienting for me. It definitely upended my life trajectory and forced me to have to think about who I was outside of my job. To this day, I still don't know the answer to that question.
Regardless, we kept on keeping on. Several trips to Orlando commenced. Football practices began. Couples therapy helped... slightly. We began to transition to couples life. But that really began to wear on our relationship. While in the beginning I was scared of diving in deep and being vulnerable, I began to feel like I wasn't good enough for Deshawn. There were things about me that I wanted to change for me. For us. But it felt like I wasn't given the leeway to work my way through those issues. Respect was a big deal for Deshawn. And I respected the hell out of him. But there were things that I did that didn't sit well with him and it seemed like it was hard for him to move forward from those things.
I apologize for not being every thing he wanted in a partner. I knew that I wouldn't be able to get there in the short timeframe we were together but I have to believe that I would have continued to grow as a person, otherwise, what's the point of living?
The End
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure when we ended. I know it wasn't this past month. We've been finished for a while. The middle and the end kinda blurred together. But we held on as long as we could. The arguments became more frequent than the loving.
My final trip to Orlando was to help Deshawn pack and drive back together to Tulsa. It was a great trip. We went out to the club, hit up the beach, just generally enjoyed each other's company. I was tired, but I did my best to help pack and before we left Clinton gave us some words of advice. It all seemed like things would work out for us after all. We got to Georgia and eventually found a hotel room and Day 1 was pretty great. I met Mackayla, who I was so nervous about meeting. But the day worked out and I was excited to begin our life in Tulsa.
Things started to break down the next day. Deshawn woke up with COVID symptoms and I was tasked with taking care of him. I was terrified. He was really sick and I didn't want to do anything that would make his condition worse. I did my best to make sure he was comfortable and well taken care of. He fell in and out of sleep over the course of the day and turns out he did have COVID.
When he had a brief respite, he overheard me booking a trip to Dubai for the World Cup and things took a turn for the worse. I know he was hurt that I didn't invite him. It turned into him questioning if I really loved him and prioritized him. It was more that I honestly didn't know if we would even be together that long. All sign were pointing to an early demise.
When we got back to Tulsa, we were still communicating, but our issues weren't resolved. Nor were we talking about them. So I took that to mean that we were no longer together. This had to have been the umpteenth time that we broke up. But this time it felt different. I tasked myself with not crying all day. I would find a healthier way of coping.
I wrote in my journal. I compiled a playlist of breakup movies on Netflix and only listed to breakup songs on Spotify. This can be done healthily, I thought. Then Scott came into the picture. Genuinely, this was more of a exit strategy than a genuine connection.
I hate that I let Scott come between us. I hate that I didn't give us more time to heal and work through our feelings before jumping into something new. I would have given anything to be back with Deshawn. To be held by him. To lie in bed with him. To laugh and play fight with him. But he was my person no more and he didn't seem to want to be that anymore. Or so I thought.
Back to Scott- I didn't do anything with him and I didn't have any feelings for him. But I understand how Deshawn felt. I should have stopped talking to him immediately after me and Deshawn started back up. But I think I was still insecure about our relationship really working. Deshawn and I didn't have a good track record of being able to work though our issues and I was tired of falling back into old patterns of drinking, sleeping all day and feeling depressed because of the loss of my relationship. So Scott became my insurance policy. No justification. Just honesty.
Regardless, Deshawn and I somehow got back together. But it wasn't the same. It would never be the same. I knew he wouldn't get over Scott. And this last time was short lived. I believe he did it for me because it was my birthday and I truly appreciate that. However, because of the nature of our relationship at the moment, it felt like I was going to always have to prove my love to him.
During my birthday Deshawn keep mentioning what he does for me and how he wanted me to show him that love back in the same way. But I don't think like that when it comes to the people I love. Of course, I want my love and attention to be reciprocated, but I don't want to do anything with the goal of it being reciprocated. When we went to NY and I paid for a few things, it wasn't because I wanted him to do the same for me. Or when I took care of him. Or when I offered to help with the new condo. Even though my love wasn't enough, if it's in my capacity to make my partner happy, I will do it.
Part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Not because I wasn't invested in our relationship and not because I don't love Deshawn. Relationships are supposed to be hard. But should they be this hard?
Prologue
I know Deshawn doesn't think very highly of me or think that I respected and/or loved him. I'm sorry I wasn't able to show him love in the way he needed to be loved at the moment. But I want him to know that I was hurting too. My mental threshold was/is limited. But I gave all I had.
Most of my favorite Tulsa moments were spent with Deshawn. Drinking moon water at dawn. Floating on the river poorly. Accidentally taking 20mgs of an edible. Flag football. Club hopping. Sex in the pool. Float therapy. OKC. Mushrooms. His'Mama Said' story that honestly should have won the night.
I don't know what will come from this. I know I love Deshawn and want him to have the best possible life. To have known someone less than a year and to find such a connection is rare for me. He will be forever in my heart. We both struggle with demons and I hope that we will one day be able to overcome them because we both deserve true, lasting love. My dream is for that love to be shared between us. But however it ends, I want him to be happy. I want to be happy.
